Yes, I'm Alive.

Hello Fellow Readers, I want to first apologize for my long hiatus. Where have I been? Knee high in struggle. You guys know I am pretty transparent, however, I am not ready to share every single detail on why it's taken me this long to write a new blog. I will try to explain as best as possible why, since I did vow to you: raw, real content. We all know by now I am a young mom and wife. Well.. Parenthood and marriage have been kicking my ass. We all know "no marriage is perfect" but what does that really mean? Let me try to tell you without disclosing more than I am ready to. This means, marriage has challenges you never could have imagined. Marriage is dealing with situations and stages that you weren't prepared for or thought could happen to you. One day your super head over heels in love and the next day the simple view of your spouse irritates your entire being. Yet, this person is your best friend. Yet - this same best friend can hurt your feelings and cause trust issues within you.. and no, it's not what you're thinking, not cheating. There are other trust issues you can develop that have nothing to do with being faithful. See? Marriage challenges that you never imagined. Trust Issues that you didn't know were possible... I'll write about this in my next blog to go in deeper. Besides my marriage, parenthood has been exhausting, draining, a failure almost. Parenting means so much to me. I've always wanted to be a mom but a good mom. I've always made it a goal of mine not to fuck my kids up. No trauma, no insecurities, no life long wounds. Wanting to raise strong and kind human beings that will be the most beautiful people to themselves and others. Well, can we talk about how hard that is? I can't be the only parent who daily wonders "oh shit, am I doing this wrong?" or "did I just cause a lifelong trauma or mistake". I do - every single fucking day. I wonder if I'm too strict, too soft, am I raising my voice too much or not being stern enough, should I have rules or not confine them? Girl I know.. it's draining. I wish I could know the future to fix my current mistakes, but let me stop dreaming. This constant fear of fucking them up and over thinking has made parenting so complicated. On top of my everyday routines and messes. Can we talk about the messes? I know I am not the only mom out here, tired of cleaning up the same damn mess every day. I mean, I wake up to clean and go to sleep cleaning. I can't help it either. I have let my house get so filthy in the past I now have developed OCD. I can't stop cleaning. When I do stop cleaning I get anxiety and this anxiety turns into stress, then the stress snowballs into depression. You see? Kicking my ass. OMG and can we talk about the bipolar days? I mean... I am great, energetic, kicking ass, doing great for a few days and then.. nada... I mean nada. I can't get myself to even change out of my pajamas or pick up after myself. I sit on the couch or bed all day and do the bare minimum to survive the day and ensure my kids are fed and taken care of. No energy to even blink. Is this just me? I wonder if it's the pandemic fucking with all of us. I swear, I am hurting bad lately. One day I'm supermom, the next I need all the help in the world and no will to function. So yea, that's where I've been. Struggling like a MF. Again, I'm sorry, especially to the people that actually took the time to always read my blogs faithfully every week. I suck, I know. I am doing better though. Not 100% but trying to have less "don't want to be here" days. I discovered a few things that have helped. 1. No more binge watching shows (I get lost in them). 2. Stay off my phone as much as possible (I turn on music and vibe now). 3. Make tons of lists (I made a list and put "make a list of to do's", it's that deep). 4. Accomplish small goals daily (for example: make bed, an easy task that you can check off). 5. Actually do my "to do" list (don't write things you know you can't finish by end of day). 6. Make sure you're doing the things that you need to do to be the type of mom you want to be. 7. Your husband is grown and can handle his own shit (stop taking on his problems that he can fix on his own, he's your husband, not your child). 8. Enjoy things you like (it's okay to take a break just do what you need to first). 9. Empower yourself in every way possible. 10. Hold myself accountable for my time, actions, and goal (trying to time manage better and have priorities for things important to me). Thanks for reading! I am making sure I write a few blogs out tonight, at least two more so I can post again faithfully. I want to be better, so I'm doing better now. See you soon, Xoxo Mom Bae

12 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All