Why Not Breastfeeding Was My Best Mom Decision Ever!

We always hear how boob is best right? We are often pushed to breastfeed and anything else is "less than". I definitely felt this way. I felt like there was an unspoken judgment on mothers who CHOSE not to breastfeed.If you read my three part c-section horror story you know I wasn't able to breastfeed due to all the medication I was on with Bella.  Fast forward to Milla's birth - I was healthy and able to breastfeed. I had the highest expectations, I knew it wouldn't be easy but I was too excited to breastfeed and have this magical baby to mom connection, the best moment ever situation - right? Well it sucked - actually Milla wouldn't suck on the nip. She would not take the nipple at all, we fought and fought and tried it all, nothing worked. After a few visits from the lactation expert and all tips and tricks provided, she still wasn't latching on. I was squeezing my nipples raw only to get not even a full tablespoon worth. As Milla's newborn weight started to decrease, the expert said it was time to bottle feed to keep her healthy. I did just that - left the hospital hoping things would change at home and that connection would be there. One can hope..

First few days at home I pumped, boy did I pump. Pumped every 30 minutes, rested, and then back again to the milk making. Milla slept - I pumped. Milla woke up - she drank the milk I pumped. Over and over and over again it was draining but I would do anything for her. 

More days passed and I started to feel it. Slowly creeping in like a horrible storm. I felt the emotions crawling deeper into my brain and fogging me up. Here it was again. The feeling of depression was here. I did not want it. Not being able to successfully breastfeed and most importantly knowing THIS IS MY LAST BABY EVER was killing me. I knew this was my first and only chance to experience having a new born. I didn’t get to have Bella as a new born and now Milla was the last baby we could have. I was losing it. I was losing my experiences with her because all I could do was pump and pump.

As the depression kicked in I felt like I couldn’t think straight anymore. I remember going to the doctor and she asked me if I was okay and just crying so hard and feeling her sympathy. She made me feel okay for not being okay. That day - I made THE BEST decision so far that I’ve made as a mother. I chose to stop it. Stop the pressure. Stop the tears. And just enjoy my baby. 

That’s exactly what I did these last few months. Enjoyed every single bit of it. I enjoyed making her powdered ass bottles. I enjoyed enjoying her little happy being. She’ll be one in a few days, today she actually transitioned into whole milk. She is a healthy ass baby. She also took her first steps, yes we have a walk-runner. She is happy. Most importantly - I am a happy mom for her and her sister.  

For us - breastfeeding wasn’t best. The miserable feelings slowly went away days after I stopped. I was able to enjoy my last baby and even took joy in late night bottle feedings. I enjoyed all the skin to skin- not having to rush it just to pump. 

Again - best decision ever and don’t regret anything. Happy Mom - happy baby. Remember even if it’s not in regards to breastfeeding the most important thing a child needs from you is for you to be okay. If you’re happy your kids will feel it. Your happiness will be theirs and vice versa. Be a great happy mom. 

Xoxo Mom Bae  

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