As previously promised, let's dig deep into it. Trust issues. Disclaimer, not to be scandalous like many probably thought. My husband did not cheat on me. I've never had anyone tell me about trust issues in a relationship that do not involve cheating. You think "trust issues" and assume someone got cheated on, well nah boo, it's not that black and white. I've been developing these trust issues with my spouse for quite some time now. It starts off really small, a simple "I'll take out the trash" and they never do it. Then, this one time turns into every other day. Before you know it, you develop this "disappointment" lifestyle. You can't help but expect certain things deep down in your little mind/heart and when your significant other doesn't meet these expectations.. Well it can be pretty chaostrophic. For me, my heart breaks a tiny fraction. I felt disappointed. Maybe I'm "high maintenance" but I'm pretty stubborn to people's "word". If someone tells me I am going to be at the train station at 2pm, I expect that, exactly that and nothing else. This has caused such a rupture in my marriage.
This rupture has been a snowball of disappointments. It's hard once you develop such trust issues to build that trust again. That alone is a huge reason why I've been MIA. Marriage issues, trust issues. I'm trying to learn to trust my husband again. Learn to trust his word and hope his words turn into actions. Yet, I'm also at fault for this. As I started doing the "well he does it, so I will do it back" thing going. He broke his word a few times, so I will do the same or not put in any effort. So, there we were a few months ago. Stuck in this cycle of disappointment and lack of trust. This lack of trust is so detrimental to a marriage. How can I be with someone and commit to a life long journey if I cannot trust you? Yet, I could bet my left foot he would never cheat on me. How does that make any sense? It does, it just does. I trust that he will always be loyal to me and our family but I do not trust that he will take the trash out on trash night.
Isn't that crazy? How small these things are, so small you think they don't matter but they really do. If you tell someone, your mom, your kids, your friends, your spouse, anyone you love that you are going to do XYZ, do that shit please. Again, this touches base on last weeks blog, how not to fuck up your kids with life long traumas 101 lol, these trust issues could develop with your kids as well if you lie to them in the most simple ways. "I'll take you to the park later" knowing damn well you have no intentions on doing so. These words and actions do matter. Matter more than you think. Don't be us. Don't snowball your way into a "getting back at you" pit. It was hard to dig ourselves out and trust/count on each other.
Currently: still working on this every day. Working on keeping words and making sure our actions match what we promised, vowed.
Well.. as raw as it will get for the day.
Xoxo Mom Bae