Why some moms - possibly just me want to be swallowed by a black hole for a day or two - fuck it make it a week: I am fucken tired, drained, exhausted, you name it. Each day I find it harder to wake up and log into work. Which, I am very blessed to have been working from home for about 5 years now, yet it's still a full time job where I am required to be productive for my full 8 hour shift. I am sick and tired of being portrayed as a stay at home mom. You're wrong. I am a fucken superhero with my mask super glued to my skin - who still manages to bring in a paycheck. Let's not forget I am a boss ass bitch trying to maintain my entrepreneur dreams of having my event planning and a little secret venture I have been working on. I am over this shit.
I've been dealing with so many emotions and feelings I can't even fully understand myself or what my body is telling me. I had to start a journal - that's how bad it got. I had to physically put my thoughts in paper to try to comprehend myself. Well, that was an epic failure. I tried going into our spare bedroom which once was my office, then a guest room, then our closest room which now of course I'm trying to turn into a little room for myself to go in and pretend i'm the only person on earth for just a moment. I got 10 minutes yesterday, exactly only ten minutes in the entire day to write before my super clingy 10 month daughter started screaming and my 4 year old came in and literally said "Mom, I want attention". I couldn't be mad - I told her to use her words right? I couldn't be mad at this baby because I wanted to be loved so unconditionally. Well I had it. Yet - I lost my time, my time to breathe, think, shower, shit, and of course time to eat my food while it's still warm.
Here comes the guilt, the fucken guilt of having to tell my 4 year old I need to be alone for a few minutes so I can take care of myself. She just wants to hang with me and I just want to be alone to feel like a human being again - not a robot stuck in automatic taking care of every thing and one. I feel guilty telling her to step out and let me wrap up at least a page - trying to hold back the tears of desperation and exhaustion.
The wildest thing is that I'm the most optimistic person you'll ever meet, I will try to find the light in every situation, and I mean every single one. If you're ever stuck in a bad place - call me I'll give you the bright side. Yet - here I am sad, very sad. Almost depressed but not fully because I still believe love heals all and I have the biggest hopes. I'll always have hope, it's in my blood. I hope things will get better, that I will be loved and cherished and for one day, just one day I won't have to beg god for help and strength. Which is crazyyy because I also think I'm the strongest person I know. What the fuck. Am I confused? See this is why I journal. I can't make up my mind.
But - I know I love my kids and I love my life, and I love - love -. So as usual I will man the fuck up - well really women the fuck up because you can't tell me females aren't stronger than any man will ever be. I will women up and get this shit done and no one will ever doubt or make me doubt I'm a great as person fuck just being a great mom, a great person who takes care of everyone with a kind heart and a strong ass drive. I just need to be cared for some times too.
Xoxo Surviving Mom Bae