Again - this whole journey is broken into 3 parts, please read Scarred for Life before this post to fully understand or you will be completely lost.
Pregnancy PTSD and I Don't Mean Postpartum Depression: I couldn't have picked a more perfect way to end my previous post to transition into the next obstacle for me as a mom. I wonder if anyone thought, ok so she had this awful experience with her first child - what will happen with her next kid? I did not. I remember thinking eventually I would want another child - a son hopefully. I wasn't scarred at the moment.
I remember when I found out I was pregnant with Camilla, she was not planned - at all! Bella was 3 years old when I was pregnant, her birthday was Sept 8, I found out I was pregnant Dec 22. So I had about 3 years since the traumatic experience. I remember my mom saying countless times that for our next baby to make sure I take prenatal vitamins, visit my OB first, make sure I'm good to go physically. Well - since Milla was a surprise baby I didn't get that chance. I actually was doing the opposite, I was traveling for hours to do an event, lifting big loads, I had a deep ass tissue message which involved a lady walking/climbing all over me, I had tons of raw ass sushi (yumm). So everything you're NOT supposed to do. I was actually 6 weeks pregnant before I found out. I was no where prepared for the unknown feelings I've been carrying this whole time - 3 years to be exact.
With Camilla, I actually researched my OB, made sure it was someone with amazing reviews and felt confident in. I found the most amazing OB (OSU Wexner OB in Worthington) this time I planned on giving birth at OSU and never stepping foot in St. Anns. I met with my new OB, she of course had fully researched my case, even she mentioned just how extensive my file was. From the very first day, I felt that I was in great hands. She read up on all there was to know and was 100% honest. I loved that. Honesty.
So one appointment, she walked in asking "So how many kids do you want"? I was a little thrown by it, as again - I'm still a very young mom, I was 24 at the time. I said "I'm not sure". She began to explain why she asked. Now this is why I said I ended the last post as perfect as possible. I had a huge deep scar that was so scarred up and damaged that she would not touch it - at all. This meant, I would either have to attempt a vaginal delivery or a vertical c section on top of the horizontal one I already had. If I had to have a vertical c section, this meant that was it. No more kids. She was an amazing Dr. and took all the precautions she could. We had a goal weight I could not exceed. Milla was pretty tiny, I didn't begin to show until I was about 7 months.I was seeing high risk specialist throughout my pregnancy. The goal was to be induced for a vaginal delivery as early as it was healthy for us, smallest healthiest weight, and as controlled as possible.
During this pregnancy I felt so beautiful and with the biggest glow. We kept this one pretty private, unlike Bella's. We didn't announce until I was about 5-6 months. Super chill and relaxed. I had a very nice pregnancy. I knew this could be my last experience being pregnant. I made sure I enjoyed all of it and took as many pictures as possible. Funny thing with this pregnancy though was I would have dreams and a few days later those dreams would actually happen in similar ways. It was the craziest thing ever.
I was starting to come to the end of my pregnancy. My appointment to be induced was set and we had a solid plan. Then "it" happened.
For 3 years I didn't know just how scarred I was. I was damaged. I did not know that I held so much fear inside of me. I'm not sure when it started to show itself, I just know it happened very quickly. I remember starting to think about me not surviving labor and leaving Bella alone. I remember asking god to let me know through my dreams if I wasn't going to make it. I remember taking pictures of myself and with Bella so they had something to remember me by just in case.I remember making goodbye videos for every one. I remember not being able to complete these videos because of crying so hard out of fear.
I definitely remember I had asked the Dr. if death was a risk and her saying yes. I remember telling her I'm a mom, I can't die. I want to live. I remember preparing myself for the worse. I remember having a dream where I was told I would die. Which only made everything worse. I had a full on panic attack one night out of no where. I remember Rik trying to calm me down but not understanding how big my fear was at this point. I was terrified. What if I die? I will never see Bella grow. I will never meet Milla. I will not be a part of their life. I will miss them. I am not ready to break their hearts. I wasn't going to be able to raise them as free spirits or with my love. I don't want to leave Rik all alone.
So I googled it, to provide myself some type of comfort knowing maybe other moms feel this too?? (I have the habit of googling random shit to make myself feel better if others go through it too) Well - I introduce to you SECONDARY TOKOPHOBIA. It's a real thing. It is for women who have already experienced labor and are now pregnant with another child and possibly had an abnormal previous labor which causes them fear and anxiety of death. Why is it that I've been a mom for 3 years, plus 24 years old now and had no idea this was a thing? Because we don't fucken talk about it!!!!!! It is real as fuck. I was terrified, I was having full on anxiety attacks, almost hyperventilating. The more I researched, I found out you can have PTSD from labor and delivery. Not to be confused as postpartum. Postpartum has more to do with feelings of sadness and depression. My feelings weren't sad or depressed. They were fearful, anxious, I was full on panicking. I was terrified to go into labor. Terrified to even love my baby because who knows if she would make it.
I wasn't triggered with all this until the very end of my pregnancy, about 2--3 weeks before my appointment date I lost my sanity. For those entire 2-3 weeks I prepared for my death and dreading the thoughts of Bella not having me. Longest 2-3 weeks ever. Shit - take me back to the wound vac and take this fear away. Give me agonizing pain vs the fear of the unknown.
August 15, 2019 - being induced!
XoXo Mom Bae