Fear for You

Updated: Jun 27, 2020

I don't even know where to begin.. Should I start by saying that it's Thursday night and cities are burning and people are trying to be heard? All people fighting for justice, that is long over due. I sit on my phone having a debate with a girl who I went to elementary school and shared so many good memories with - I decided to friend to always remember her face. I saw her calling Latinos, Italians, and everyone not black white - she said "we were spicy whites". Why did I comment and ignite that debate? It hurt. It hurt to be called white because I am not white. I am far from it. I am Mexican. I fear. I have many fears. I fear for my parents who aren't safe in a country they came to feel safe in and give their kids a better life. I fear for my strong black husband who just wants to provide and come home to his girls.. I fear for my daughters, whom I will always remind they are  BOTH - Black and Mexican. No side is more important. No side should be neglected. 

I used to ignorantly say I don't see color when I was younger. I was naive. As I continued to grow I realized - I do see color. I see brown and black. I see both hurting. I see anyone not white hurting. Not just about a skin tone - it's the clothes - the hair. Color is real and you have to see it - if you say you don't, you are not done growing. 

I live in fear. I thought I was pretty fearless but deep down I am not. I fear for that phone call from my parents or my husband. One deported or the other one killed. I don't think to compare the pains or try to pick which one would hurt more. I just know hurt. The hurt many families go through daily. We all want our loved ones to stay here with us - alive. 

I hate the hate and distrust some African Americans and Hispanics have for each other. It breaks my heart. Breaks my heart to know that two cultures/people I care for don't see that we are in this together, we need to be together. We understand loss. We understand fear. No need to compete. Makes me wonder who started this hate? Were we taught to dislike one another a long time ago by someone in fear we might unite and be an unbreakable force to be feared? Maybe. I don't know. I'm just a mom. I mom that will never stop trying to mix her Mexican family and her Black family into one. A mom who will raise her girls to cherish and appreciate both cultures. They both have so much to give - & you don't have to be married to a black man or have mixed kids to sympathize. Their lives - have value - they are someone else's husband or kids. They matter.

Fear. It's so sad to live in fear. I didn't know how bad this fear was until one time we got pulled over in a suburban area and the officer immediately asked my husband to step out the car - no explanation given. I was 4 months pregnant. That fear of knowing one wrong gesture would escalate a situation and that could be it. I do not like to use "I have a black husband" as an excuse or to relate to black people. I use "I have a black husband and I fear for him every day he leaves the door" to let you know - I care for you. I am here for you. I see you. It's dangerous being anything else but white.

I don't know what it will ever take or even if it's ever possible to see Mexicans and Blacks become one and support each other, encourage each other, love each other - FIGHT for each other. But me - this Mexican and her Mexican family will always fight for you. I may not be your color, I may not fully understand your pain but - I will fear for you, I will feel pain for you, and be here for you. 

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