Do you wish you were still your high school weight? Do you obsess over it and feel like that's the "best" you? I do. I obsess over the body I didn't know I would look back to and be in love with. I swore I wished to be "skinnier" in high school, but looking back now, I was bomb as fuck. I obsessed so much over it that I was stuck in the past and unrealistic expectations. I'm nowhere near the person I once was not even just physically, mentally. It took years for me to finally let that go. I think it was so engraved in my head "I let myself go, I'm "that'' girl that gained weight after high school", I was truly embarrassed. I wanted to stay in my high school body but how? I had two kids plus not the best genetics. It seemed like an impossible wish.
I had Bella in 2015, if you read my previous blogs on my labor and depression you know it was a hectic time for me. I gained a huge amount of weight while pregnant, five guys and slushies all summer 2015. After having Bells I couldn't work out for months due to the wound vac and honestly I was too depressed to even think about it. I finally decided to start working out in 2016. I found this amazing trainer, Sandy. Oh man.. Sandy was a true hero, she taught me so many things that until this very single day I still utilize in any workout and remember all tips and tricks she showed me. We trained for a few months, then I started to workout on my own. I was doing really good. I actually ended up doing boxing, fell in love, deep love for it. I enjoyed boxing so much it didn't feel like a workout, felt more as a fun hobby. I felt invincible and strong. I reached my lowest weight post babies with boxing. You know what got me though? Them MF holiday's, girl they get me every single fucking time. 2020 Holidays didn't get me though, I killed that shit, only to fall off after the Holidays. Yea, I suck.
I have been trying to lose weight since 2016, it's now 2021 and here I am the night before my "Day 1" once again. (By the time I post this my Day 1 will be half way over with) Man, I've been having way too many damn Day 1's. It's okay though.. It's been a journey, a long, self discovery journey. I'm not giving up on myself. I know that I can do it. I look back at my lowest weight post kid days and even though at that moment I didn't feel my very best, I looked so happy. I was so confident in myself because I chose myself daily. I chose to love myself enough to workout and eat clean. I could have done better with my eating though, that's what I suck at. I love working out as much as I love good food. However... Lately I just haven't had the energy to "start", I think I felt a little discouraged to once again start at Day 1. Yet - here I am, once again.
Tomorrow I will start this journey again, hopefully for the last time. I pray I have the discipline to keep going even on days I do not want to. I pray I love myself and choose myself daily. I pray I make better choices and remember the end game. I pray I learn to love myself more and put myself first. I pray that I allow myself to be selfish and make time for this journey. I pray that I have a lot of help from the grandma's so I can work out. I pray I can wake up every morning before the kids and not feel dead at 5pm. I pray I don't give up again. I pray this journey motivates you to crush your goals with me. I pray I stay true to and loyal to myself. Let's do this.
Xoxo Mom Bae