Summer 2019 Bella was introduced to Bob Marley. Rik would play his music and she liked it. I remember we were on our way to a water park and we stopped by a gas station, she was so excited to see Bob Marley on a can. After that, she was a huge fan. For the entire Summer we would sing Bob Marley in our house but most importantly in our infamous car rides. (riding in the car singing with them is one of my favorite things ever)
Summer came to an end and Milla was ready to meet the world. I was induced on August 15, 2019 with high hopes of a normal labor. I was still terrified. I never stopped being scarred until I was actually holding Milla. We went in at 6am to the hospital. My teeth were clinching so hard my jaw hurt, I was so nervous and scarred of the unknown. I recall seeing my tiny OB and feeling a sort of relief. I was 1 centimeter dilated - which means almost nothing in labor world. I was put on all the medication needed to induce labor and help me dilate.
It was August 16th now, still not dilated enough. Barely reached 4 centimeters. We passed 24 hours since we started. We knew the plan didn't work and another c section would be coming. My epidural came out. I had to get a new one, problem was - they couldn't get the second one in correctly. I was poked or "stung like a bee" they said 3-4 more times. That moment I almost fainted. Between the back labor, my exhaustion, and the stings I couldn't compose myself enough. But I would have took as many bee stings as advised if it meant not to have a c section. I think we all knew though that it was inevitable.
A doctor came in to inform us they decided to do a c section due to Milla's heart beating at an irregular rate. I don't blame her though, we were pass the 24 hour line and if I was exhausted, my poor baby had to be too. I remember she said she would be cutting my old c section. Me and Rik both were alerted so quickly. I told her "NO". My OB's shift was over and she handed me to her colleague who I don't think realized that scar was to be left ALONE. She left the room and came back with a different game plan. She apologized and explained how the c section would go.
Her team came with her this time. They let us know this was it.. After this c section, no more kids. That... That hit me harder than the bee stings, then my ongoing fear overall. I was again - heartbroken. I know Rik felt that same pain. Why? They advised I should go ahead and get my tubes tied so I wouldn't get pregnant anymore. Rik doubted. I don't think at that moment he realized tied or not - no more babies could come out of my body without meaning the worst for me. I don't think he was able to understand there was no options - no more kids. The doctors realized his hesitation and left out the room for us to discuss. My husband wasn't ready for this to be it. THAT was also a huge pain to me. Knowing I couldn't give him anymore kids. That wasn't all that was left in that room to be thought or discussed.
We were left in that room with so many feelings and thoughts. We had to think of a drastic decision and at the same time pray. I was so sad but also so scarred I couldn't think straight. I just wanted to give everyone one last good bye in case that was the last time. I hugged my momma. I asked her to pray over me. I hugged Bella with so much love. I didn't want to say bye to her. Me and my husband were left alone in that room. We just prayed. We held hands, we hoped for the best. We just prayed.
By the time we had made up our mind to tie my tubes we were already in the operating room. We tried to tell them to tie them up but they said we took too long and it was too late. I didn't sign the appropriate paperwork. That was okay. I had bigger things to worry about. At this point it was pretty late in the evening. I was exhausted. Drained. I wanted to close my eyes so bad and rest. My husband wouldn't let me though. As he wore my wedding ring with his, he held my hand. If I doze off, he would immediately wake me up. We kept hearing "don't touch that - it's too scarred". The doctors were amazing. I remember throwing up in my hair to the side due to the anesthesia and the nurse cleaning me up. My husband just by my side trying his best to keep me awake.
Out of no where... don't really remember why, we started to sing that good old Bob Marley. Every little thing is going to be alright.... We sang and sang. Kept me up. We sang until blood splattered across the blue sheet separating me from the rest of my body. (note to self - c sections are much more gross than what you see in the movies) With that splatter of blood that I'm sure Rik would have passed out from any other time we welcomed The Mills. They tried to show me her but girl I was so tired I couldn't see anymore. Rik kept me up until I was closed, once closed he let me close my eyes. It was over... No one - ever will understand that relief. To fear death like that not only for you but for everyone around you to lose you. To not know the outcome. It was awful. That feeling of fear was worse than any labor pain that day.
I knew my husband loved me but now... I know he LOVES ME LOVES ME. I could see my fear in his eyes. I could feel his hope and love through his hands. His worry in making sure his wife was okay and didn't leave him in this life journey we vowed for. That's that Bob Marley Love.
XoXo Mom Bae