Do you find yourself living the same day over and over again? I definitely feel like I am. It's as if every day I wake up with the same to do list, same frustrations, same routine. I found myself so zoned out from the world that I stopped taking joy in the small life long memories I desired so much. I forgot to be thankful. I forgot how bad I wanted to have a family. I found myself being frustrated with being a mom. I was tired of not having alone time, tired of repeating myself, tired of cleaning, tired of just living the day to day. The worst was yet to come when I found myself laying in bed one night staring at my kids. I thought of how shitty I treated them that day, I yelled at them for making messes and fighting with each other. I ignored them, not on purpose but I was simply too busy trying to clean up after them, calling Kroger about the items I left behind, trying to organize my events. I just wasn't the mom I always told myself I would be.
My house was clean. My business was doing great. My "to do" list was complete. Yet, I felt so guilty when I watched them peacefully sleeping. I didn't do enough. I'm not saying we should work ourselves thin or be harsh on ourselves, but I knew deep down I could have for sure done better. I could have taken 1 hour or even 30 minutes of my day to sit down with them and simply give them my undivided attention. This was a few days ago. I am still having a really hard time trying to manage my time. I am trying to do so much, for them and me but it's so hard not to feel guilty. I do plan on going back to my "play with the girls at least 30 minutes a day" daily goal. I bought some uno cards the other day, because I know I love uno and can keep myself invested in the game and Bella is at the age she can run a game without struggling. I also started trying to read to them every night, even if I skip a page or two lol - these little books are long on top of my long day.
I'm just trying to do better. Trying to bring myself into my life and be an active present parent. Stop focusing so much on cleaning and enjoy my kids. Time is truly flying, although my days are long the months are flying by and soon the girls will be 1 year older. I know that I struggle and cry often at how hard this parenting shit is but I love them very much. I love their little laughs and silly moments. I swear I have the funniest kids ever, so talented and kind. I need to remember that. When I'm about to break down in tears, I need to remember how much joy they bring me and understand that this is the most rewarding job I will ever have. They are mine, I made them, I love them, I will be here with them.
Xoxo Mom Bae