A Lost Pregnancy I Didn't Know I Wanted

I used to be pregnant. Before Milla and even before Bella, we had a prior pregnancy. Many know us but don't know this part of our history. When I was 18, first week of July I moved in with Rik. It was a sudden move in that we didn't plan or thought would even happen. I didn't know I was actually pregnant at that time. I had high expectations for myself. I planned on going to college right after high school and continue to work my two jobs. I can't really remember why I thought I was pregnant, I just remember Rik mentioning it. So I took a test and sure enough, our first baby. At that time, things were really tense with my parents (reason I moved out). I was scared shitless to tell them. I remember telling my sister - the snitch that I was pregnant - literally ONE DAY - it took her ONE DAY to snitch on me, not even a full 24 hours. (she's been a snitch our entire life though, should have known better) We went out to eat Asian food, but I didn't eat sushi, well.... Sushi is one of my favorite foods ever. I think my mom might have suspected - IDK though, still blame Angie a.k.a Snitch. That night though... girl... My mom called me and flat out asked me - are you pregnant? I could have died right there and then. I was sitting on Rik's random ass red couch and I was like ... "yea"..? Ya'll.. she went IN. She took it so personal though, like she started saying I did it on purpose or I knew all along. Well - I sure as hell didn't. I definitely didn't plan it nor did I get myself pregnant JUST to get back at her - who the hell would be dumb enough to do that. Not I. That of course made our relationship even  MORE rocky. At that point, I felt my life was over! I would have to quit my server job that I loved!! I really didn't think school would be an option now since I wasn't born here, I would have to pay international pricing - 100% out of pocket. I loved Rik since the moment I seen him - there was no doubt in my mind he was my forever but that didn't matter. I was fucked. I didn't want to be pregnant. But at that moment in my life, I never would thought I would have an abortion or that I would consider it as an option. I wasn't as pro-choice as I am now (will discuss later). I was going to have this baby but I did not want to be pregnant. I was watching my entire plans and future altered. I remember crying and thinking about how much I didn't want it. On August 13th, the day before Rik's Birthday I went to the bathroom and noticed blood. I was about 6 or 8 weeks along. My mom rushed me to the hospital. I had a few test done, like blood work, ultrasound, can't remember everything. I can't even remember why I ended up alone for a about 30 min to an hour, my mom was there most of the time, and I want to say Rik was on his way from work, and my mom had to leave to check on the Snitch and my brother Javi? What I do remember - will always remember is the doctor who came in during my alone gap time. He sat next to me really close and begin to tell me some of thee saddest news I've ever received. I had miscarried. If you can even call it that. My blood type is A-, if you are A- you should know - or you need to know of the issues that causes your pregnancies. (I had always wanted to donate blood at school but my iron was always too low, so for some life reason I never found out what my blood type was until that day.) My blood was killing off my baby basically. My blood was rejecting the babies blood/development. I'm not a Dr. so I can't describe it as well as a Dr. could but I can at least explain what I understood. My baby never made it past tissue. It was just tissue... I was still having pregnancy hormones and all that but no baby, no life. The Dr. also fucked my head up. I'm still so mad at him. He didn't do a good job of explaining it to me. He basically said that my chances of ever having a real life baby were slim to none because my blood will always fight them off. WELL TWO FUCKEN KIDS LATER!!! He lied. All I need is a rhogam shot once I get pregnant. He could have saved me what I felt at that moment. I literally - hated myself for not wanting this baby initially. I felt so guilty thinking about how much I would say to myself and god tbh that I didn't want this baby. I thought god was punishing me and not going to allow me to ever have kids. Again - two kids later, he lied. - asshole. We welcomed in Rik's birthday at the hospital and no baby. I was scheduled for a DNC a week later. I remember it being Rik's birthday, it was day time now. The loved ones decided it would be good for us to go out and still try to enjoy our planned day out. I remember being at Easton and just crying. I felt so sad. I didn't understand how something I didn't want so badly was now something I needed. The hormone dis-balance also didn't help - but that was soon to end. I had my DNC, it was so sad. I was giving the option to bury the tissue or just get rid of it. I decided not to bury it. It was something I just couldn't do. Time went on. I remember going to Northland's homecoming game a few weeks later. I remember hearing some girls talking about a younger girl having her baby and not really being a "good mom". I remember going home that night in the car with Rik crying, saying how it wasn't fair that god gave her a kid and she doesn't even want it but I couldn't have my baby. I didn't realize that at some point - I didn't want it. I just now realized this as I typed this out. I was so upset with god and the world. More time went on, and we continued to have this space in our hearts. December - we decided we were going to get pregnant again. This time, this baby was so loved and wanted. I finally understood why I had to miscarry. I wasn't ready to be a mom, I didn't want to be a mom. This time, I was ready! I was so ready to love this baby and enjoy this baby. When we had our 6 week ultrasound, we didn't hear a heartbeat. At that very moment, I felt my entire world collapse once more. I kept thinking not again. They scheduled us the following week for another ultrasound. That week was thee longest week of my life. Our family just prayed - Rik and I promised this baby that if he/she would just fight and pull through we would take them to Disneyland on their 5th birthday. The following week came - and there it was. The most beautiful sound I have ever heard. If you're a parent, you know this feeling too. The moment you hear that beat and nothing else matters. You're their's now. They become everything to you. That horrible scare of losing another baby was awful, it haunted us. But now - everything was going to be ok. Isabella was here to stay. Xoxo Mom Bae


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